~Pure Jokes~
Thread Starter
~Your Favourite CiViC GiRL~
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,276
Likes: 0
From: Niagara Area, Ontario
Rep Power: 0 
~Pure Jokes~
K cmon...oldskool's was funny...but profurious...post some better ones hun [IMG]i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif[/IMG]
Anyone who's got a good joke..... post it on here....
When I heard this one it made me laugh my [IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG] off...so I thought I'd share the laughter [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG]
~~~~~Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
~~~~~Sleep Now
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your
brother, your best friend and your father.''
''Shhhhhh. Relax darling. Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I
poisoned you?''
~~~~~~~
Anyone who's got a good joke..... post it on here....
When I heard this one it made me laugh my [IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG] off...so I thought I'd share the laughter [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG]
~~~~~Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
~~~~~Sleep Now
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your
brother, your best friend and your father.''
''Shhhhhh. Relax darling. Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I
poisoned you?''
~~~~~~~
up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-b-a-start
iTrader: (20)
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 7,785
Likes: 0
From: London, Ontario, Canada
Rep Power: 370 
HAHA [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG] [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG] [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG] [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG]
That was a good one!
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push it aside and keep on eating!
Q. What do a ***** and soybeans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
That was a good one!
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. You push it aside and keep on eating!
Q. What do a ***** and soybeans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
got this off a foward a friend of mine sent me
i thought it was funny
cuz im *****
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You have never use your dishwasher.
10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal and throat projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You drive a Honda or Acura and are less than 5'8" tall.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa) b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You've eaten a red bean Popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes.
27. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You wipe your plate and utensils before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (Squid).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2 - 3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought to be courteous.
36. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighbourhood.
41. You don't use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. You re-gift cookies or Christmas cake at Christmas (some could even be more than 5 yrs old).
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.
48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman. If you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling information costs 50 cents.
50. You don't tip more than 10% at a restaurant, and if you do, you tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
51. You're a wok user.
52. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
53. You know all the waiters at your favourite Chinese restaurants.
54. You like Chinese films in their original undoubted versions. You love Chinese Martial Arts films. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
55. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
56. You like congee with thousand-year-old eggs.
57. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached (it means they're fresh.)
58. You never call your parents just to say hi.
59. You always cook too much.
60. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if
you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
61. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
62. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.
63. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).
64. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
65. Your parents never go to the movies.
66. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
67. You use a face cloth.
68. Your parents use a clothes line.
69. You're always late.
70. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
71. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
72. You've joined a CD club at least once.
73. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or
electronics, computers.
74. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
75. Your parents are never happy with your grades!!
76. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again. 77. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
78. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
79. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the basement.
80. You know what MJ means. (no, it's not Michael Jackson. It's Mah-jongg!)
81. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
82. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
83. You say "waie" when answering your cell phone.
84. You are familiar with the term "aiee yah...".
85. You know what moon cakes are.
86. You know why this list consists of only "88" reasons.
87. You enclose your remote controls in plastic to keep greasy fingerprints off them.
88. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
i thought it was funny
cuz im *****
1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.
5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time.
8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
9. You have never use your dishwasher.
10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
12. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
15. You always leave your shoes at the door.
16. You have a piano in your living room.
17. Your parents know how to launch nasal and throat projectiles.
18. You iron your own shirts.
19. You drive a Honda or Acura and are less than 5'8" tall.
20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
21. You twirl your pen around your fingers.
22. You hate to waste food a) Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa) b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
23. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses.
25. You've eaten a red bean Popsicle.
26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes.
27. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's.
29. Ditto paper napkins.
30. You wipe your plate and utensils before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)...These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (Squid).
32. You own a rice cooker.
33. You wash your rice at least 2 - 3 times before cooking it.
34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table. (That's why you need the vinyl tablecloth).
35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought to be courteous.
36. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighbourhood.
41. You don't use measuring cups.
42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
43. You beat eggs with chopsticks.
44. You re-gift cookies or Christmas cake at Christmas (some could even be more than 5 yrs old).
45. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
46. You reuse teabags.
47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore.
48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive walkman. If you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
49. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling information costs 50 cents.
50. You don't tip more than 10% at a restaurant, and if you do, you tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
51. You're a wok user.
52. You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
53. You know all the waiters at your favourite Chinese restaurants.
54. You like Chinese films in their original undoubted versions. You love Chinese Martial Arts films. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you.
55. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon.
56. You like congee with thousand-year-old eggs.
57. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached (it means they're fresh.)
58. You never call your parents just to say hi.
59. You always cook too much.
60. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if
you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
61. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home.
62. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick.
63. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air (yeet hay in Cantonese).
64. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
65. Your parents never go to the movies.
66. Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
67. You use a face cloth.
68. Your parents use a clothes line.
69. You're always late.
70. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
71. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
72. You've joined a CD club at least once.
73. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or
electronics, computers.
74. You never discuss your love life with your parents.
75. Your parents are never happy with your grades!!
76. You save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again. 77. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
78. You keep most of your money in a savings account.
79. You own an MJ set and possibly have a room set up in the basement.
80. You know what MJ means. (no, it's not Michael Jackson. It's Mah-jongg!)
81. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has.
82. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
83. You say "waie" when answering your cell phone.
84. You are familiar with the term "aiee yah...".
85. You know what moon cakes are.
86. You know why this list consists of only "88" reasons.
87. You enclose your remote controls in plastic to keep greasy fingerprints off them.
88. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
Registered!!
iTrader: (1)
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,712
Likes: 0
From: Scarborough, Ontario, Canada
Rep Power: 0
Quote
[hr]Originally posted by: ice2000
mm its kind of LONG ~!i just read the first few hehe and im lazy~[hr]
[hr]Originally posted by: ice2000
mm its kind of LONG ~!i just read the first few hehe and im lazy~[hr]
Registered!!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,841
Likes: 0
From: Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Rep Power: 0 after reading all this stuff Boo... it's pretty funny cause it applies to Filipinos too... [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG]
i just don't know about red bean popsicle... [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG]
i just don't know about red bean popsicle... [IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/laugh2.gif[/IMG]
Thread Starter
~Your Favourite CiViC GiRL~
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,276
Likes: 0
From: Niagara Area, Ontario
Rep Power: 0 Expensive Perfume
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
[IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG]
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
[IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG][IMG]i/expressions/moon.gif[/IMG]
Thread
Thread Starter
Honda Civic Forum
Replies
Last Post
juror
Mechanical Problems/Vehicle Issues and Fix-it Forum
4
Jun 9, 2015 02:15 PM
