Geez I can't believe I'm asking for girl advice here (Cliff's Notes)

IronFist · 02-21-2006

edit - Damn, these are the longest Cliff's Notes ever.

I tried to condense it but I couldn't and still accurately convey the nuance of the story. There are now short Cliff's Notes and long Cliff's Notes.

Alright. I won't bore anybody with a long ass story; I'll start right with the real short Cliff's Notes, and then I'll give a longer, more detailed version, altho still in Cliff's Notes form. I've been with my gf for a little over 2 months (9 weeks, actually). Here's a rough timeline of the past 9 weeks:

Short Cliff's Notes:
- IronFist meets girl in December. They hit it off amazingly. They fall in love quickly.
- Everything is going perfectly and IronFist is blissfully happy.
- In early February one night, IronFist's gf goes "things are moving too quickly. We need to take a break for a few weeks." IronFist says ok, because you can't change someone's mind on something like that.
- That same night IronFist's gf is sleeping over. They both say "I love you" and "I'll miss you."
- That morning, IronFist's gf leave his apartment, but takes two steps and turns around runs back and gives IronFist a big hug and kiss and starts crying and saying "I love you," etc. IronFist says "I love you, too."
- That day around noon, IronFist's gf emails him and says she doesn't like the break and she misses him and loves him so much. IronFist calls her and they agree they should get back together.
(the break that was supposed to last a couple weeks lasted about 12 hours)
- IronFist and his gf spend more happy time together that week.
- IronFist's gf stops doing all the cute stuff that gfs do.
- IronFist's gf makes plans with him and then repeatedly breaks them last minute cuz she "forgot" she made other plans
- IronFist is all like "wtf?"
- IronFist posts this thread.

Long Cliff's Notes:

Background starts here:

- I met this girl in the first half of December and we completely hit it off. I fell for this girl almost instantly and judging from her words/actions she felt the same way about me. I've had long term relationships before, and so has she, so we both kinda know what's going on (in other words, it's not a "first relationship" scenario). We spend a lot of time together and I'm completely enamored by this girl. She's gorgeous, brilliant, we share the same tastes, etc. I tell her I love her after about two weeks, and she says it back. I wasn't taking a shot here: I was 99.9% sure she was going to say it back.

- We spend a lot of time together from December to around the end of January, including a wonderful NYE, nights downtown clubbing, nights at my apartment, a concert, and my birthday in mid January.

- She sends me lots of emails, txts, myspace messages, etc., saying "I love you," "I miss you," etc. She calls often and says she misses me, etc. Of course, I feel the same way about her. I don't think I was being blinded by love... I'm pretty sure she was 100% sincere about everything. I'm usually pretty good at picking up on signals.

Weirdness starts here

- One weekend in early February she plans to come over Friday night and stay until Monday morning (which had been the usual routine over the past 5-6 weeks at this point). Friday afternoon at work she emails me and goes "what would you say if I couldn't come over tonight?" because her mom was going to be home alone and she wanted to spend time with her or something (she lives at home with her parents). I reply with "that's fine. Of course I'll miss you, baby" or something like that. I understand, too, because we had been spending a lot of time together she probably did miss her parents. She txted me that night and said "come chat with me online" so I'm sure she was actually at home. I would have thought nothing of this, had the following events not happened:

Drama begins here

- She comes over that Saturday and we have a good time. On Sunday (2/5) I asked her if she thought we were spending too much time together. Like I said, we were spending a lot of time together, but we were both loving it. She goes "not really, do you?" I said "not really. I love being with you." She goes "me too." Sunday night we're in bed getting ready to go to sleep and she basically says out of the blue "Things are going pretty fast and I think we should take a break." This completely catches me by surprise. She asked what I thought and I said "well, I love being with you and I love everything about you, but if you want to take a break I'm not going to sit here and try to convince you otherwise." I'm all "Sorry, I didn't mean for things to go so fast." She's like "no, it's not your fault; I was letting it happen, too." I go "I'll miss you" and she goes "I'll miss you, too. I love you." She agreed to come over on Valentine's Day, however. And we went to sleep. Well, honestly I was kind of upset so I didn't really sleep much.

Hollywood movie scene here

- The next morning she was leaving my place to go to work and we hugged and kissed and we each said I love you and I'll miss you. She left my apartment, and I kept the door open for a sec and blew like an air kiss at her. She hadn't taken 3 steps out of my door and she turned and looked at me and I saw complete sadness and emotion in her eyes. I said "come here, sweetie," and she ran back into my arms and hugged and kissed me and she started crying (cue emotional background music

). This went on for like 5 minutes. Finally, she left and went to work, and shortly after I went to work.

Drama reverses?

- Alright. That morning I had to give a presentation at work, and I did well, but I could not get her out of my mind. I was actually pretty heartbroken because I'm a little bitch. Around noon, I get an email from her saying that she doesn't like this break, she loves me, she can't stop thinking about me, etc., etc. She says to call her at work. I call her and she says she hates this already and wants to get back with me. I say I agree with everything she says in her email. She comes over on Tuesday and Wednesday after work and says "sorry to put you through all that... i love you so much..." etc. We agree that we should stay together because we're so happy together, altho we should take things a bit slower..

Weirdness continues here

- She's supposed to go out to her friend's bday party (girl's night out) downtown on the weekend of 2/11, and I'm having a guy's night out with my friends. She tells me on 2/11 in the evening that she doesn't feel like going downtown, which is weird, cuz she was really excited for this party for the last few weeks. She ends up chilling at home or something that night. She comes over on Valentine's Day, and everything is good and lovey-dovey, etc. She says she'll come over on Thursday, 2/16, too. Wednesday she emails me at work and says "I forgot, I made plans with so and so" her (female) friend that she hasn't seen in a while to have a drink. I'm like alright, that's cool.

- She's supposed to come over on Saturday, 2/18, for my friend's house party. She's going out with her (female) friend to a bar that Friday. She called me a few times that night to chat, so I'm pretty sure she was with her friend. She drank a lot and ended up crashing at her friend's house. She said she would call me on Saturday. Saturday afternoon comes and no call. I finally call her at 5pm and she's like "I'm still in bed." I'm like alright, that's cool. She really does sleep a lot. She comes over around 7 and we do our thing, go to the party, all is good. Sunday is a great day, we sleep in, she's pretty lovey and cute and whatever toward me (come on, it's cute in the beginning of a relationship). She says she'll come over on Tuesday and Wed.

- So today (Tuesday) she emails me and goes "I slept in and FORGOT TO PACK a change of clothes this morning so I can't come over today." Now, I know she's kind of sleep deprived, but I also know that if I was all excited to go over to my gf's house, that would be the first thing on my mind, and I certainly wouldn't FORGET to pack. It sounds intentional to me. I email her back and I'm like "that's fine. Are you still coming over tomorrow?" She's like "I dunno, I might be going to my sister's house to see my nephew."

- So, there have been a few other times recently when she's said she'll come over but then "something comes up" or she "forgot she had to do something" and cancels on me the day of.

- Also, over the last few weeks, her emails have changed from being all sweet and girly (you know what i mean) to just like "alright, here's what I have to say," and that's it. No "i love you" or "I miss you" closures or anything. I mean, she still emails me throughout the day, but it's less personal now.

Questions

Sooooo, if you read through that long ass summary, I want to know:

1. What's up with these last minute cancellations? Is this her trying to "take things slower?" I don't mind slowing things down at all, but I'd appreciate if she was straight forward about it.

2. What does it mean when a girl goes "omg I love you so much! Uh, we need to take a break... no wait, I miss you so badly, let's get back together!" and then starts making plans with you but then cancelling at the last minute?

3. Is she stringing me along? I really don't think that's the case given what I know about her, but you really never know.

4. Have I done anything wrong? I don't mind giving her space or anything, I would just appreciate if she was upfront and not all shady about it.

5. Is she trying to distance herself? Do girls go from being madly in love to out of love in the blink of an eye like that?

6. What should I be doing now? I'd like to discuss all this with her, like "hey, what's up with the mixed signals you're sending?" but for some reason I'm not sure that would be the best course of action right now. I mean like if she needs her space I don't want to be bringing up the things that are bothering her... or do I?

I hate not knowing things

. I mean even if she wanted to break up or something, obviously I would be sad, but I'd just like to actually KNOW what's going on.

Holy shit this is a long post.

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TheSmuggler · 02-21-2006

PEST POST EVAR! lol. Honestly though. It seems liek shes unsure of herself right now. BUT I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but in my good friends marriage, that SAME exact setup began to happen... then he found out she was a lesbian and he got her deported.. so yeah lol

HITMAN · 02-21-2006

i tried to rep you just for typing all of that out - but to no avail hahaha

IronFist · 02-21-2006

lol. Just answer my questions, then

Cptn. Slow · 02-21-2006

in the name of trust give her a little time or bum bum bum... talk to her

IronFist · 02-22-2006

So should I just chill and not ask her to hang out for a while, or should I try and talk to her about it?

When she emailed me today to say she couldn't come over, in my reply I said something like "Or actually... why don't you let me know when you want to come over. I feel weird doing all the inviting all the time, anyway..."

That was good, right? Or no? Geez I dunno.

Cptn. Slow · 02-22-2006

just be you. that will make you the happiest, even if that means things don't work out with her. Being coupled up and miserable b/c you aren't doing what comes natural is not worth it.
Basically: You know what you need to do

IronFist · 02-22-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by efil on evol on

Basically: You know what you need to do

Not really. I know what end result I want, but I'm not sure how to get there. I completely over-analyze everything people say and do. I have made big deals out of nothing before. However, I have also been the only person to correctly pick up on things everyone else missed before. My dad has a Master's degree in math and taught me to be scientific about everything. My mom was a teacher with a detailed background in psychology and she taught me about how peoples' minds work. However, these two methodologies conflict with each other a LOT and I basically confuse the fvck out of myself. Logic and emotions rarely coincide. Look all around you every day for examples of this.

I have like 4 possible courses of action in my head right now, all of which would most likely give significantly different results. Of course, I'll either be indecisive and do nothing, or I'll freak out and pick the wrong one. Or I'll pick the right one but at the wrong time. Or, I'll continue to make a huge deal out of something that is probably nothing to begin with because I'm like that.

In the meantime, how do I get her out of my head? It would be easier if she wasn't always on my mind.

HITMAN · 02-22-2006

Alright, now that I've actually read the entire thing....haha. It's hard to tell what she's thinking. I can identify with you 100% here. My last ex and I hit it off immediately and fell almost as fast as you two did so I know what this feels like. I'm thinking that maybe she really does think that things are going too fast, and like you suggested before, this could be her way of taking things slower. Then on the other hand it could be nothing and maybe these things are coincidental. The best advice I can give is to just be honest with her. Tell her that you've been thinking about the cancellations and the recent events that have happened, and that you just want to make sure that you two staying together is what she wants. It's obvious that's what you want, but if she can't come out and say it to you, it's not fair to you for her to cancel and blow you off.

Do you know about her previous relationship(s)? Has she fallen this fast for someone before and had it end badly? She could be gun shy about the situation. The best thing is to keep communication open. Tell her what's on your miind.

Hope this helps

TheSmuggler · 02-22-2006

Holy shit Shane, you posted something serious.

HITMAN · 02-22-2006

I'm human after all.

TheSmuggler · 02-22-2006

Damn, there's hope for me now

IronFist · 02-22-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by HITMAN

Do you know about her previous relationship(s)? Has she fallen this fast for someone before and had it end badly? She could be gun shy about the situation. The best thing is to keep communication open. Tell her what's on your miind.

Hope this helps

Her last relationships ended with her bf cheating on her. I can understand her being hesitant to get back into things. She told me she trusts me, however, but I know that stuff takes time. She also told me that her and her most recent ex bf (they dated for 6 months) spent a ton of time together, like 3-4 days a week, so I know that she doesn't always "take it slowly" as a rule...

It's almost noon now and she hasn't emailed me today at work yet, but she's been on my myspace page a few times (I know cuz of profilesnoop... lol). Anyway, remember how she said she was going to come over yesterday (Tuesday) and today (Wednesday), but then cancelled on Tuesday? I talked to her last night and I was like "so did you want to come over tomorrow?" and she's like "I might be doing something else..." I'm like "alright, that's cool, just let me know." So yeah, she hasn't emailed me yet today, and as badly as I want to, I'm not going to email her. If she wants to take things slowly I don't think it's a good idea if I'm trying to force communication in her face.

I'll give her a few days off... she can email me or txt or call me if she wants. It's absolutely driving me nuts to not be able to discuss this with her, but I don't think it's the right time right now. I'm just annoyed because I can't get this out of my head

^ What do you think... is that a good plan? I SERIOUSLY want to write her a long email right now explaining everything and asking her how she feels, but I just don't think that's a good idea right now. Besides, I'd much rather have that conversation in person... if she'll stop cancelling on me

HITMAN · 02-22-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronFist

Her last relationships ended with her bf cheating on her. I can understand her being hesitant to get back into things. She told me she trusts me, however, but I know that stuff takes time. She also told me that her and her most recent ex bf (they dated for 6 months) spent a ton of time together, like 3-4 days a week, so I know that she doesn't always "take it slowly" as a rule...

It's almost noon now and she hasn't emailed me today at work yet, but she's been on my myspace page a few times (I know cuz of profilesnoop... lol). Anyway, remember how she said she was going to come over yesterday (Tuesday) and today (Wednesday), but then cancelled on Tuesday? I talked to her last night and I was like "so did you want to come over tomorrow?" and she's like "I might be doing something else..." I'm like "alright, that's cool, just let me know." So yeah, she hasn't emailed me yet today, and as badly as I want to, I'm not going to email her. If she wants to take things slowly I don't think it's a good idea if I'm trying to force communication in her face.

I'll give her a few days off... she can email me or txt or call me if she wants. It's absolutely driving me nuts to not be able to discuss this with her, but I don't think it's the right time right now. I'm just annoyed because I can't get this out of my head

^ What do you think... is that a good plan? I SERIOUSLY want to write her a long email right now explaining everything and asking her how she feels, but I just don't think that's a good idea right now. Besides, I'd much rather have that conversation in person... if she'll stop cancelling on me

Damn this sounds so familiar it's erie. I think that your plan to not email her is a good idea. If something is on her mind or she's having second thoughts about you guys, she should be adult enough to let you know what's going on. And you're right, having discussions like that are much better in person. I hate doing that via text message/email. If she doesn't hear from you first, it will drive her crazy thinking that you don't care and she'll come back to you with what's going on, hopefully. If she cancels tonight, I'd give it 2 days and if you don't hear from her, call her/text her/email her and tell her that you guys need to talk and you'd rather get it off your chest in person. The fact that she's cancelled (maybe) two nights in a row to "do something else" looks shady to me. There could be something else going on. Not to put more shit in your head but that's always a possiblity.

IronFist · 02-22-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by HITMAN

The fact that she's cancelled (maybe) two nights in a row to "do something else" looks shady to me. There could be something else going on. Not to put more shit in your head but that's always a possiblity.

No, I know. As odd as it sounds, if she WAS cheating on me it would be easier for me to deal with because then I would have to dump her on principle (knock on wood). I really don't think that is the case, however... I mean yeah, it's shady that she's cancelled on me two nights in a row, but I don't think it was to go be with some other dude. At least I hope not. I guess we'll see.

Quote:

If she cancels tonight, I'd give it 2 days and if you don't hear from her, call her/text her/email her and tell her that you guys need to talk and you'd rather get it off your chest in person.

(I know I took those quotes out of order)

Yeah. I'd like to talk to her this weekend at least. Last Sunday we were watching a show at my place (Flavor of Love... lol stfu... we only watch it to make fun of everyone) and she's like "omg, we have to watch it next week!" Now, normally that would mean "hey, I'm coming over next Sunday," but now I have no idea

Anyway, yeah, I won't email her or anything for a few days, and then I'll tell her we need to talk... but by then it will be Friday so she may have already made plans or something. I dunno. But you know what, even if it's bad, I at least deserve to be told wtf is going on, right?

You think if I don't email/txt/call her for a few days she'll be like "wtf, if he doesn't want to talk to me, then I don't want to talk to him, either!" Not that that makes logical sense, but we are talking about a girl here (no offence).

Keep the advice coming. I appreciate it. btw, any girls have any input?