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I met this girl about a month ago and we've been out maybe 5 times since. She is a bit older than I am (about 4 years) which, in itself, doesn't present a problem. To be honest, she is THE smartest woman I've EVER gone out with, and that's saying a lot. However, I just found out that she does drugs every once in a while. That is where the problem lies. I don't want to be serious with a person who does drugs, even on an irregular basis, but I like this girl because she is smart, funny, very intelligent, witty, attractive, and quite good in bed I might add. The dilema is: should I just stop seeing her now before things get too serious or should I just try and control my emotions so as not to fall for this girl and keep the relationship solely on a sexual basis?
I don't believe in asking people to change. I would never tell her "stop doing xxx drug or stop seeing me, one or the other." I would just tell her that I can't be with her because I don't approve of the drug use and go find someone else. But that presents ethical problems because she might get attached and then I hurt her feelings when we break up and I don't really want to do that. The CYA (cover your ass) move would be to tell her that her drugs would prevent me from ever being serious with her but, how do you bring that up? I guess the next time the subject "pops into conversation" I will be sure to say something about it.
Boy, I'm in a bit of a mess, aren't I?
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__________________ I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
-Georges Duhamel
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
-Mark Twain
Last edited by silverdevil; 02-07-2005 at 07:27 PM.
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do the pros outweight the cons? ... that's a good determining factor.
sometimes it's good to ask people to change ... if somehow she was on drugs one night, drove to your place to stay with you, and a cop followed her, you'd have a lot of explaining to do...
if you really do want to break it off w/ her, then the earlier the better so they don't get as wrecked. ..
You cant really change a person cuz if thats the case, you shouldnt be with that person. I think you should keep it going and see where it goes. Let her know how you feel abou her using drugs so that way she can decide for herself whether to stop or not. But dont try to force her to stop. If she feels the same way as you and the only problems that you guys have are the drugs, then hopefully she'll realize whats more important. Thats my .02 cents
You cant really change a person cuz if thats the case, you shouldnt be with that person. I think you should keep it going and see where it goes. Let her know how you feel abou her using drugs so that way she can decide for herself whether to stop or not. But dont try to force her to stop. If she feels the same way as you and the only problems that you guys have are the drugs, then hopefully she'll realize whats more important. Thats my .02 cents
Did you read the original post in its entirety? I won't ask anyone to change, period. I'd rather walk away than ask someone to change because that would go against my beliefs. People are free to chose and if she choses to continue to do drugs then I either choose to a) leave; b)stay but with the caveat that she is going to try and stop using drugs; or, c) stay and she continues to use drugs. There are no other scenarios to act out. But I'm totally against asking someone to change because that leads to the feeling of being "forced to change" which, in turn, only leads you back to the original problem (sooner or later). Nope, not interested in that. I will give her the choice, tho. I'm going out with her on Thursday and I guess the choices will be:
1. we will continue ONLY to be FWB and this will never get to a serious plateau while you continue to do drugs, or
2. we remain ONLY friends if you can't accept either being FWB or dropping the drugs.
I can't date someone who does drugs, even recreationally. I grew up in a drug household, meaning both my parents (and all my uncles) are/were adicts. My parents stopped using shortly before my mother passed away about a year ago and my father has remained clean (in memory of my mother) ever since. I just remember all the problems that caused as a child and don't plan on going through something similar as an adult, especially when I have a choice not to.
__________________ I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
-Georges Duhamel
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
-Mark Twain
The part in my post about forcing her to change was directed toward the post above mine. Sorry, I sould have clarified.
You are still kind of forcing her to stop using drugs by giving her those 2 options. Basically, what it sounds like you're sayin is either you stop doin drugs or I dont want a real relationship. Everyone has flaws and for her its her drug habbit. From what you said in your original post, she has many qualities that you've been looking for. I hope you make the right decision dude
She does have many qualities that I've been looking for, you are right about that. However, the drug thing is one of the few "unforgivable sins" (if you want to call it that, not that I believe in sin, either) in my book. I don't mind being friends or FWB with someone who does drugs (as that is their problem and if I'm not emotionally attached then it isn't really my problem) but as soon as I begin to feel more for a person I need to make a choice: either I allow myself to go through the trials of my childhood again or I walk away. I choose to walk away if given those two situations.
I'm not forcing her to quit by giving her those two choices because I'm not saying, "stop or I'm going to leave you;" What I'm saying is, "I can't be with someone who has a drug problem," but I won't say, "if you stop then I'll come back/stay."
__________________ I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
-Georges Duhamel
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
-Mark Twain
She doesn't have a drug problem...she does it every once in awhile. What kinda drugs are you talking about? I smoke weed on week-ends, if I meet this wonderful guy and he gave me the "me or the weed" talk I would take him. Be honest with her and tell her how you feel.
__________________ Ive Got a K20A2 in my pants and its ready to do the quarter mile thing..Viper
"Progress might be slow but still I'm steady, I feel the world will accept changes when ready" Side-fx
She doesn't have a drug problem...she does it every once in awhile. What kinda drugs are you talking about? I smoke weed on week-ends, if I meet this wonderful guy and he gave me the "me or the weed" talk I would take him. Be honest with her and tell her how you feel.
That's the point, it's not "just" weed. I could handle weed since I don't consider it to be addicting nor detrimental. We're talking cocaine here, the worst drug this side of crack (which is just freebase cocaine). I got an email from her yesterday that got me thinking that it occurs more than on an irregular basis. When someone speaks of "partying" you know what that means; especially if she's talking about cleaning up before her mom visits and puts her ass in rehab. Yeah, a bit suspicious if you ask me. Hence the forthcoming talk.
__________________ I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
-Georges Duhamel
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
-Mark Twain
Can you really keep your feelings out of it if you do become FWB? Is that even possible? Maybe its just the girls that get all caught up? IDK....Good luck though! I had a friend on that.......its bad stuff, man!!
Whatever you decide, as long as you are happy with the decision, thats all that matters.
^^ I don't know, Steph, if you can keep feelings out of a FWB situation, to be honest. I've been able to do it but that doesn't mean everyone can. I'm a very analytical person, meaning I'm the opposite of emotional. I'm able to control my emotions and feelings rationally but I'm part of only about 5% or so of people who are able to do this.
__________________ I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
-Georges Duhamel
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
-Mark Twain
I think that u should talk to her when ever the opprotunity comes by, like when she tells u she is doin something. Tell her what you told us, that u think that she is awesome and perfect but ur really turned off by the drugs and tell her that u dont mind doing her as long as u guys can keep it un comited, cause why would u pass up a good peice of ass. And trust me a lot of people stop doin drugs when they have something to stop for... to fill that empty space. Im kinda in your situation now (but i havent messed around with him yet) But if we go out together i just ask him to drink with me and not do drugs for the night. (and if u hang out more often the less the habbit becomes)
- good luck
__________________ So at work there is this really fat bitch that comes in tries on all the xs work out cloths, streches them out stinks them up and leaves. Life would be soo boring with out really fat stinky bitches. Thats all i got
Can you really keep your feelings out of it if you do become FWB? Is that even possible? Maybe its just the girls that get all caught up? IDK....Good luck though! I had a friend on that.......its bad stuff, man!!
Whatever you decide, as long as you are happy with the decision, thats all that matters.
I know for a fact that I wouldnt be able to do the FWB thing. I get attatched too easily
good luck 
