I dunno if it's me or what..but this is my story...If you think there is something wrong with me then someone tell me cuz I just don't know what to do or think much about it anymore...If it's too long then don't read it cuz this is a long one..
I was born Mee Jung Kim back in 81' and was born in Seoul, S. Korea..my birth parents already had 3 other children..a son and two other daughters and my father didn't make much money technically about $85 a month to care for all of us..So eventually my mom tries to abort but couldn't meet hospital costs so she had me and put me up for adoption..I do know a ton of imformation about my parents so I am very grateful..Now when I was adopted I was adopted into an all american home which was fine..I wasn't adapted to as many cultural things as sometimes I wish I was but never regret right? So as time goes on I eventually have this huge identity crisis about who I really am inside..This goes on for a long time and still is I think. When I was about 14 I tried committing suicide a lot and well ended up in the Psychiatric Emergency Room for a weekend..Got on meds blah blah blah fine and dandy until I was about 17..Given my parents tried to help and tried to be strict but it just didn't work I was the typical rebellious teen. I had been in and out of so many jobs and relationships I honestly can't remember them all. Anyways, about 2 Summers ago I was raped as well..I usually don't tell many people this but I was..a friend of a friend's whom I liked..and well now I guess I just haven't really dealt with it..I've been trying to but everytime I try to something major comes up so I don't have time to deal with it..Anyways, during Elementary School and Middle School and High School it was rough..I went to 2 different HS's and ended up graduating by home school..Kids are cruel we all know that..But being the rare one adopted by white people was hard for me..And let alone hard at school, very hard at home..I regretted being Asian at times..and now that I guess I've grown some and had time to think about it..No one should ever regret being what they are..Asian, Indian, Hispanic, Black, White, whatever origin you are..But I was...I guess this whole "asian pride" was alright it was funny and all..but it has a good meaning to it..To me it's like never regret just don't forget..Ya know? And I haven't..I've cried so many times at night and more so this year just becuz I know I'm getting older..I don't speak very much Korean, I want to go back home sometime..but who knows if I ever will? I'm in a semi-serious relationship with someone I've only been with for about 9 months but it's been good and bad..we've definitely had our ups and downs but everyone does..I think it's becuz I can't cope with a lot of things..Who am I? I don't know...I don't know at all. I wish I knew but don't know how to find out at the same time. I feel like I won't ever be happy until I put myself my mind to peace by meeting or at least knowing I tried to meet them..But I don't know..It's expensive. I do wish I could just pick up and move on..I guess I've been through some shit..Been in abusive relationships by my father and by an ex before..tons of times by abusive words..but ehh..I get used to it. My life isn't so bad but I just don't know how to deal..When I don't want to or am fighting with someone I bring out so much negativity it's crazy..I won't go into detail unless you really want me to..But that's where I stand..I don't think I have anything like MPD or anything but I do think I'm just struggling so much to be me..yet I don't know who me is. I've always resulted to playing online games or video games..keeping to myself..keeping the rough things in..My best friend who is married on the verge of a divorce with a son who is 5 means a lot..and I do love him don't know if there's a chance we'd get together again..I do think about him constantly though..But I just want to be the one to be married..I'm the marrying type not the dating type. I want to settle down not have a family but settle with that right person..do the good things your suppose to do, be normal for once, and move out..Maybe if I do that I will be alright...I just don't know..do you?
Obviously things that you are going through most people can NOT relate to so it's hard for any of us to say much. My best advice is to reach out to the people that mean the most to you and COMMUNICATE!! Bottling things up inside, helps NO ONE!! Whether you realize it now or later, you directly affect those around you if even in the slightest way. You need to be able to deal with the cards you have been dealt and accept them or you will never be able to make anyone happy, let alone yourself. I hope you talk about your feelings and try your best to find a way to be happy with what you have rather than focus on what you don't.
Take a long hard look at your life and ask yourself.........my life can be better, now how do I accomplish that?!?
Good luck.
I feel bad for you, but be lucky that you are alive. Do what you like to do and live your life. Make the most out of the situation and do what makes you happy! Things will get better.
Thanks everyone..I really appreaciet your words of advice..I have tried counselling and have been on meds..I'm off meds but ehh..It's fine now..No thoughts of killing myself I do love life..but at times I was suicidal..Not saying I am now..Couselling is mad expensive here and the fact that I have no insurance until July 1 doesn't help much either..So I sit pretty until then.>What makes me truly happy is cars, working on them, talking to people about them, going out every once in a while, playing video games, being a nerd I suppose..and yes my family here is my family alwaysa and forever I would never change that..But where I come from is still my home..I do want to go back I almost went this Summer but am going for sure more than likely next Summer..And that'll be awesome about 2 weeks since it is 23 hour flight. My current job also has made me pretty happy just started it about a month ago..I don't have it so bad but to deal with it all on my own is hard but that's life...Not a biggie..I just needed to vent more than anything..
I don't have it so bad but to deal with it all on my own is hard but that's life....
You don't have to deal with it on your own!! When you get to feeling down, you should talk to friends, your family. Never bottle up feelings. I have that bad habit and it sux. That's prolly why I am where I am today.
Hell, if you get to feeling down or need to talk...obviously your fellow 7thGen members are here to listen I don't even know you and I "listened"...
There are free counseling programs out there.... You can use those, or set up a payment plan, or do something. Counseling/therapy would help you deal with the issues that you are struggling to deal with, and help give you the confidence in yourself to deal with things on your own.
Identity crises...those are tricky. I guarantee almost everyone has gone thru something similar, in that they aren't sure of who they are or what they stand for. Its an ever-changing process, and i really don't think it will ever end. THats the beauty of it...because u are constantly changing, learning new things, which in turn help redefine you.
There are places where you can get help...maybe not on meds, but just to have someone objective to talk to, who can help you deal with everything that you have to deal with from the past, before you can concentrate on the future.... and dealing with all that baggage will create a better present, and an even better future.....
but yeah, i would look into counseling...very important....
Thanks..I loved the poem And yeah America is my home but so is Korea..It's my culture and my backround can't ever forget that or let it be..It's me. Couseling is okay if you can find the right counseler..and it's hard to find that..When I was younger I was in counseling and in and out like crazy cuz no one I talked to seem to help it was like talking to myself aloud ya know? Well thanks everyone for the advice I appreciate it..Just shows people do care out there..
I don't even know you and I "listened"...
