Q for smokers w/ non-smoker gfs or bfs

monkey · 06-11-2004

So I've been with my boyfriend for like a year now, and he smokes "casually." I'm completely completely completely anti-smoking, and could go on and on about why but I'll just leave it at that.
He knows that I hate it, and for a while he stopped and claimed it was for Lent. He has only bought his own pack once, and when he wasn't around I threw it out the window and didn't tell him.

But anyway. During the school year (we go to college together but also live about 10 minutes away at home) he would bum them off of his roommate, and every time he did I just got this lump in my throat. It always sucked because he'd just leave me to go outside and then come back stinking. I never ever went outside with him, and I never ever would stay there with him when we would go to parties and he'd start smoking. It pissed him off when I walked away, but I really just cannot stand watching him do it. I don't know how to explain how repulsive it is, but he knows I hate it.

So now that it has been a year and things are more serious and whatnot I feel like out of respect for me, he should turn down cigarettes if I'm sitting there. His best friend is like a damn chimeny and it's getting to the point where I don't want to go out with his friend there because it's inevitable that they'll sit there smoking.
Sometimes my boy will get up and go outside the restaurant we're at or whatever, so that he's not near me, but I guess I just feel like it isn't that much to ask for him to not do it at all when I'm there. I see it as if he asked me not to do something in particular in his presence, and I wouldn't out of respect for him.

It's just that for some reason it not only angers me but it really upsets me almost to the point of crying sometimes when he smokes. I know it's dramatic, and for a long time I did try to curb that reaction and try not to care, but it's something I feel really strongly about. I guess what bothers me the most is that he sees that all over my face, goes "oh don't start that again" smokes his cigarette(s) and acts like I should just be hopping up and down with glee.

Am I out of line? If he can go weeks without a cigarette, what's another night if it means it won't create this crappy disconnect between us?

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civicstyle82 · 06-11-2004

If I were a smoker and my girlfriend of a year old me to give it up I would, no question, obviously I care about the girl if I've been with her for a year. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

MegaHurtz · 06-11-2004

You aren't out of line...

What I would do is tell him to quit, and if he does then great. If he keeps smoking when you are not around, don't get mad, let him do it, as long as he doesn't do it around you then he is more or less still respecting what you want him to do. Maybe tell him you don't care if he smokes behind your back, that way there is no surprises if he does..

daydreamer · 06-11-2004

unfortunatly my bf is a smoker too...he knows i dont like it, but i put up with it...i dont kiss him or anything until he brushes his teeth...and gargle some mouth wash...i know how you feel...i want him to quit smoking so bad...but i'm not tell him to quit...the whole reason is when i started liking him and dating him, i knew he smoked. even though i knew this i still wanted to date him...so i'll ask him not to do it around me and he'll try not too...but he does leave me sometimes to go smoke and that kinda makes me mad...

what made me happy one day is he told me he was trying to quit and that he only had one cigarette that day and he apologized about having that one cig...i was just happy that he decided to quit and all i said was baby stepies babes...

taz757 · 06-11-2004

I know exactly what you're talking about.

I'm not fond of anybody that smokes, period. Espically after having my mother go to the hospital for 2 weeks because of it.

I will flat out not mess with any girl that smokes, period. I don't care if it's casual or whatever. I feel that it is a very dirty habit, and since I don't do it, I don't really want to be associated or around anyone that much (like a girlfriend) that does it. If you care enough about me or want to get with me, I have no problem with asking them to stop. If they don't, then I stop with them.

I'm not saying to break up with him because of it. Smoking is a very hard habit to break. Tell him you want him to stop, but not just because it's a dirty habit. It's also a very unhealthy thing to do. Help him get treatment with the patch or something. Give him something like 6 months time. If at that time he still hasn't done something, then you might have to take more drastic measures.

I know that if I had a girlfriend as hot as you, I'd sure as hell jump at just about anything you asked me to do.

IronFist · 06-11-2004

It's nasty. I don't smoke ever. Ok, I've had like maybe a couple ever, but that was under strange circumstances (ie. a fight was about to go down and we were outside and it was like 20 degrees outside (winter) so I'm shivering already + an adreneline dump so I'm shakey x 2 = I took a puff off my friend's cigarrette to calm down a bit).

And maybe once a year I'll smoke a cigar or part of one.

But the thing is, I would not date someone based on the fact that they smoke (cigs or pot). It's nasty, it smells like ass, and I'm sure I hate it for the reasons that you're "completely completely completely anti-smoking." And casual smoking is no different from regular smoking. So if you smoke casually, then you stink casually. I hate it when people go "oh, I don't smoke. I only smoke casually." Sorry, that means you're still a smoker.

So in other words, if Ms. Perfect was a smoker, I would not date her.

So you're not crazy for letting it bother you. I'd be like "hey, quit or we're done."

Good luck.

monkey · 06-11-2004

^ yea, i didn't know that he smoked at all until a few weeks into the relationship. we went to a party and he got one from someone and i just got this totally digusted look on my face and sat on the other end of the bench we were sitting on until he finished. he got all pissed that i reacted so badly, but had i known that he smoked i never would have bothered with him in the first place.

i've always said that if the hottest guy i'd ever seen in my life was walking down the street, if he pulled out a cig it would be all over. not sexy anymore. it's really disappointing.

slightly unrelated: in my last art course at school there were these three girls who were the hippie type...they were all vegetarians, all about animal rights, all wore the usual hippie clothes (my school is like 50% hippie and 50% jock/everyone else) and would talk about how natural oils are the best for this and this tofu is really good for you etc etc. then one of them pulled out a pack of cigs and was like "you guys wanna go out for a break?" and they both were like "finally!!" !!!!!! wtf is that!!! how are you going to go from talking about health food to slipping out of class for a smoking break?! so stupid.

speedracersong · 06-12-2004

smoking = no sex.
just say that.
i cant tell you how many of my friends quit.

monkey · 06-12-2004

^ no that would just make him break up with me.

but then again it's lookin like things might go that way anyway

blah blah blah

88AccordDX · 06-13-2004

Make him go on the patch. See how he acts when it's on him or something..

If he still needs to go out and light one up, then he's really not feeling the nicotine in the patch.

And if he wont stop leaving you alone just to go smoke, then he's pretty lame, shows that he cares more for his cigs than he does for you.

IronFist · 06-13-2004

If you said smoking = no sex he would break up with you?

That's pretty messed up if that's true.

Then again, withholding sex (if either party does it) to try and get something is one of the most immature things you can do.

daydreamer · 06-13-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkey

but then again it's lookin like things might go that way anyway

blah blah blah

well monkey we are dealing with somewhat of the same problem...and it seems like its going the exact same way

lownslocvc · 06-13-2004

Same thing is happening with my gf, I try not to lecture her about it, because it is her choice. but I hate it, she wont smoke in my apartment or car out of respect, which is cool. I have seen first hand what it can do to someone, and don't want to see it again. I don't think we'll be together for much longer anyways

lownslocvc · 06-13-2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkey

^ no that would just make him break up with me.

but then again it's lookin like things might go that way anyway

blah blah blah

In your case, I think he definitely should quit. The fact that he is a casual smoker, it shouldn't be that hard. Seeing how strong you feel about it he should. Your not trying to change him, he's lucky he has someone that cares enough about him to try and help him quit.

SimplySLB · 06-13-2004

I will probably get in trouble for this but.....my boyfriend smokes too. And he knows that I hate it. When we first started dating he wasn;t smoking but then so much stuff was going on, he started back up again. He never would smoke around me. He always went outside or waited until he left my house or something. I really didn't have a problem with it then because I knew he was going through a lot of changes and stuff. Plus, I knew he would quit again when things calmed down.

He rarely smokes in front of me, but it still bothers me. I have a lot of my stuff at his place and everything smells like smoke. That's what really bothers me. If he didn't ever smoke inside his place, it might be a little bit better. But then again. It is his own place. I know asking him to stop just makes it worse....so I am just waiting for the day he tries to quit. Hopefully that day will come soon.